It's not just my opinion that the candidates on the Republican ticket are acting batshit looney, you can look anywhere on the internet, television or newspapers and see that people on both sides of the aisle are more than a little disturbed by behaviors and statements from almost every one of 'em. Newt wants grade school kids to do the janitorial work at schools, and said he doesn't trust the morality of anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Bachmann thinks poor people should starve to death, or at least pray to God for food instead of receiving social assistance. Ron Paul says that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was unconstitutional (if he was around in 1863, I imagine he would have said the same thing about the Emancipation Proclamation). When Herman Cain gave up his run, he quoted a Pokemon movie! Perry claimed that the BP oil spill was an 'act of God' that couldn't have been prevented. Santorum is against abortion, for any reason. Except when it's his wife having one.
Do I really need to go on? Because I could, you know. The list of insanities, inanities, falsehoods, misstatements and outright lies go ON AND ON, like a Meatloaf song on karaoke night. But chances are, if you're reading this, you have internet access and can look this shit up too. Just google 'crazy shit republican candidates have said', grab a beer, sit back and enjoy. Better make it a 12-pack. It's quite a list.
How has this happened? How could it be, that the people running for office that represents a huge portion of our population, can be so fucking nutty? Have they always been this way?
Maybe. But perhaps there's another reason. A reason that no one would ever suspect, unless you're a sort-of crazy person also, who has a good memory for weird facts and connect dots in weird ways... Yes, I'm talking about me. Don't act surprised.
In 1981, a guy in Hull, Iowa named Lawrence Vander Esch started a restaurant with a mission. A couple missions, actually. The first, publicly stated on their website www.pizzaranch.com, is "To glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in." By making pizzas. Fair enough. The website doesn't mention Vander Esch's name though; in the 'History' section it says that the idea came from a 19-year old Adrie Groeneveg (a nice Dutch name!) and his mother Lorraine, and that people tried it and liked it so it spread far and wide and is now the top pizza franchise in Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota. It's true, they're all over the place. It's huge. It's the Borg of pizza joints. My parents have given up on their Friday nights at the Steamboat Gardens in Waterloo, IA, where they'd dined weekly for about 20 years, for the Pizza Ranch right up the road.
So what's the secret behind their success? Why has Vander Esch's name been removed from the official history? Why do Republicans insist on holding their 'town hall' meetings at their franchises? Why are all acting bugnutty? WHAT'S THE DARK, SECRET CONNECTION???
I mentioned that Lawrence had a couple missions in mind when he started the place. To 'glorify God' blah blah blah. To make pizzas. To make some dough. Money, I mean. And....to collect semen.
What did I just say? you're asking. Yes, to collect semen. From his employees. In June of 1998, Vander Esch, a former Sioux City Republican Chairman and county treasurer, went up to one of the kids working for him and...well, I'll just cut-and-paste from the Iowa Court of Appeals article (http://caselaw.findlaw.com/ia-court-of-appeals/1162014.html) :
"Vander Esch was a co-owner of Pizza Ranch restaurants. In June 1998 he asked a young male employee, John Doe # 1, if he would be willing to donate a sample of semen for a scientific research project.1 Doe # 1 was promised fifty dollars for a successful donation, and he agreed to the procedure.2 Vander Esch showed Doe # 1 his own penis “to make him feel comfortable.” Vander Esch then put a condom on Doe # 1, and when the procedure was finished he “milked” the penis to “get out all the semen,” then took the condom off.3 He tied the condom, and put it on ice, stating it would be sent to a laboratory for testing.4 He later told Doe # 1 his sperm count was not high enough for him to be paid for the sample.5 Similar circumstances occurred on a second occasion with Doe # 1, and on two occasions with John Doe # 2, who was also a young male employee at the restaurant. Vander Esch was never authorized by any scientific body to collect human semen samples. The victims indicated they would not have consented to these sex acts if they had known no legitimate research project existed."
WILCO TANGO FOX-fucking-TROT?????
What a dick! He not only conned these kids (who were apparently just young, dumb and full of cum) into doing something pretty gross, but didn't even pay 'em the fifty stinking dollars he'd promised them!
So what was he doing with all that spunk?
When I first heard of this story on the local public radio station (KUNI), I wrote it off to closet homosexual weirdness. This kind of stuff happens when guys don't get what they really want, for whatever reason. The guy wants some cream-of-sum-yung-buoy but is a well respected member of a tight-ass right-wing Christian society, and well, he's gotta be creative. In a strange way, I can respect that. Almost. I laughed about it and promptly forgot about it.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday I woke up and got on Facebook, same as every other day, and one of the first things I saw was an article titled "Santorum Salad: Iowa Pizza Ranch Names Signature Dish After Rick Santorum." After a comical spit-coffee-take all over my girlfriend's table, I read HuffPo's article. (For those of you who haven't googled 'santorum' yet, will you hurry up and fucking do so? I'm tired of explaining why it's so fucking funny!) Then I read more articles people had posted, and this being Iowa in the beginning of caucus time, there were a lot dedicated to crazy shit that Republicans were doing and saying.
Slowly, the mists were dispersing, thoughts were coagulating....like white blood cells on strange thoughtstream infections....
Republicans, meeting and eating at Pizza Ranch....Santorum Salad....Founder charged with bilking male employees out of their hard-earned semen....Michelle Bachmann's crazy eyes....chicken in white sauce....condoms on ice.....Rick Perry's haircut....Newt crazy-fucking women like James Bond....man-on-dog love....Cain and his stable of albino mares....Marcus Bachmann's white-knuckle prayers....Santorum and Perry caught slapping dickheads in an airport bathroom stall (ok, I made that one up).....hoardes of overweight Iowans in line at salad bars....John Doe #1, 2, 3, 4, 5.....frothiness....
OH MY GOD, REPUBLICANS ARE ALL SECRETLY GAY, PIZZA RANCH IS SERVING SEMEN, IOWANS ARE GOBBLING IT UP, AND IT'S MAKING EVERYONE LOONEY TUNES!
If there is another explanation, please provide it to me! I realize this all sounds crazy, but then again, so is laissez faire and trickle-down economics. If it turns out that I AM crazy, the next president now has the power to detain me indefinitely. As always, thanks for your kind attention!
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