America Is Sexually Fucked Up: An Overly-Longish Rant

I'm not a scholar or a scientist.  I didn't go to college, didn't even graduate from high school.  I did get my GED, but anyone who's taken that test knows that you only have to be moderately concscious to pass that one.  So forget about my official credentials.  But I have been around this craphole of a planet for forty-two years now, and being a pretty astute dude I've made a lot of observations and come to a lot of conclusions.   And if this seems sloppily written with a lot of mistakes and grammatical mistakes and errors in syntax, let me say I'm also not a fucking writer.  I'm a bartender, have been for a long time.  I've resided in a hundred different places here in America and a few places outside of the U.S. o' A.  I've read probably a quarter million books in my lifetime so far, and plan to read a million by the time I'm done.  None of which, I might add, were books on how to write well.  Accept it and continue reading, or go watch tv or water the lawn or something; I know some shit.  Plus, if you're reading this, chances are you didn't go to fucking Yale either.

One observation I've made, or one conclusion I've come to (either apply), is that America is fucked-up about sex and sexuality.  For the most part.  There are plenty of people that are enlightened on the subject, people who have great, healthy sex lives with people they genuinely care about and with whom have normal, healthy relationships.  These people aren't hard to find.  But equally easy to find are their exact opposites.   Turn on C-Span or read a newspaper, ANY newspaper, local or national, or or listen to the average fuckface on the street and you're gonna read and hear and see a bunch of backasswards shit.  Sex is for procreation solely, sex outside of marriage is evil.  Teenagers should never have sex.  God is love, but god hates fags, and they're all evil child molesters.  Condoms don't protect you from disease or even prevent pregnancies.  Watching porn morphs normal people into rapists and again, child molesters.  The fact there are pleny of rapists and child molesters.  The anus is the Devil's Playground.  Britney's vag looks good.  Clay Aikens is a sex symbol.  Mel Gibson is what women want?  Really?  A whole slew of wacky shit.  Of course there is plenty of rotten people who rape and abuse childred and oppress gay people and generally think shitty thoughts outside of the US, but we're so fucking convinced we're the fucking apex of civilization and history, the rest of the world has got to be wrong.

So what's the deal?

This is what I remember from school about the founding of America.  The Puritans in England were being persecuted for the beliefs, so they hopped in some boats, sailed the Atlantic, made friends with the cats they met when they landed,  they had some nice meals together, then all the sudden they owned the whole place from sea to shining fucking sea.  Free to create they society they'd always wanted and everyone would be free, equal and happy.  Seriously, that's what I remember learning.  The key words being 'what I remember', of course.

Since I have learned to not listen to or trust the motherfuckers that tell and teach shit like this in schools and textbooks and Hollywood scripts and People fucking Magazine.  And you don't believe them either,  don't lie to me and say that you do.  George Washington told a lotta fucking lies.  Abraham Lincoln didn't think black people were much more than animals and in no way equal to or superior to white people in any regard.  Except working really fucking hard for no pay until you die.    They were awesome at that.  Ben Franklin didn't invent electricity.  AND he was an asshole that fucked his best friend's fiance after promising to look after her while he was gone on a job.  Turns out Hoover, the guy in charge of rooting out the evil homos in this country and fucking their lives up forever was, in fact, a homo with a penchant for especially effiminate textiles.  The Kennedy boys were DP'ing Marilyn Monroe every chance they got because they married the women they were supposed to, not the kinky kind they wanted.  And they were on crystal meth.  We KNOW this shit.  I could go on and on, but if I do I'll forget what I was trying to say in the first place.  You can look this shit up the same as me, lazy bastards.

What I'm trying to say is that this country was founded by sexually fucked up assholes.  Were they really persecuted in the Old Country?  I have to think, maybe they were being holier-than-thou assholes back home, telling people that God and Jesus didn't want them jerking off to French poetry or actually enjoying it when they fucked their wives, and people probably just told them to shut the fuck up and mind their own business and to not worry about who and what and how they were fucking or whacking off to?  Just maybe.  Same as you or I, right?  So these tight-ass motherfuckers said fine, we'll leave and go create a Godly society somewhere else, where they're aren't any other people.  A place where no one fucks or jerks off.  So they came here and lo and behold, there were other people there.  People who were even worse than the heathens they left behind.  These people were fucking CONSTANTLY, without being married or worried about if the neighbors caught a glimpse of some bare titty and ass.  AND, they didn't even KNOW WHO GOD fucking WAS!   Fucking animals!  These weren't even human beings!  So they started slaughtering them.  After accepting a bunch of dinner invitations from them.  Assholes!

These guys were such assholes, they'd fucking KILL you if you were a woman that fucked around before marriage.  The guys they were fucking didn't get killed, of course, they were the victims of a satanic plot.  Chicks who put out were put in public stocks with their pusses and asses and tits hanging out, branded with irons,  burned at stakes for fuck's sake!  To save themselves and the women they were torturing from, you guessed it, the Devil.

Fast forward, a little or a lot, and things took a long time to change.  In the ninteenth and part of the twentieth centuries you could get locked up in a mental institution if you got caught jerking off.  Everyone was doing it, of course, everyone's always jerked off ever since there has been the opposable thumb, but if you got caught?  The Devil!  Makin' folks crazy.  Lock 'em up!  And if you were gay... I'm really sorry.  Until 1861, if you were discovered to be homosexual you were put to death.  After 1861 things got a little better, you were simply imprisoned for the rest of your life.  Whew!  Punitive measures for adultery, that's still a tricky one.  A couple of recent cases pop up in my memory.  A man in North Carolina (I think) sued another man for 'stealing his wife away' and was rewarded some $35,000 by the courts, and another in Maine (again, I think) where some guy came home, found his wife in bed with another man, and blew them both away with a shotgun.  The local judge ruled it 'justifiable homocide'. 

Again, I'm not just bashing America.  I'm bashing human beings.  This kind of thing has gone on all over the world and is still going on today.  But since I am an American, this is the place I'm focusing on, and trying to figure out why we're so backwards about sex and sexuality.  TO THIS DAY.  It's election time here again, and since we have a Democrat in the White House we are constantly barraged by folks vying to be the Republican opponent come next November.  Rick  Santorum wants to criminalize contraception, pornography, abortion, and homosexuality.  Why?  He's a Puritan.  Because of his faith and the fact that he's a self-loathing closet homosexual.  Ron Paul agrees about abortion.  He's a doctor, he makes a living delivering babies.  Just white babies, though.  I'm pretty sure he's okay with abortions for black people.  Probably sterilization, too.  Newt Gingrich?  Don't fucking get me started on that fat, lying hypocritical bag of mashed spuds; everything he claims to be against, he's already done himself.  Mitt Romney... well, it doesn't matter what he says.  Tomorrow he'll say something else.  And he wears magic underwear. 

NONE OF THEM KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT SEX.  Not that they will publically admit, anyway.  Newt thinks he does, but really he just knows how to con a younger, prettier and less-ill woman than the one he's married to to go down on him.  They are all Puritans in an age that has left Puritanism far behind, speaking to and exploiting a desperate audience that has been fed a steady diet of fear and hatred of 'otherness' for so long that they will grasp onto any straw that promises a return to the 'good ol days', no matter how weak and fragile that straws is.  And they all want to be the leaders of our country and, by all of their own statements, are willing to legislate our bodies and our sex lives.

The Good Ol' Days weren't really all that great, really.  Unless you were a straight, land-owning white guy, things kinda sucked.  And even those guys were probably sexually frustrated.  Unless they found a way to do what they wanted, without getting caught...

Whew!  This is a long one for me.  And I haven't even had a beer yet! 

I believe in America, though, and I believe in Americans.  I believe we, as a nation, will find a way out of the morass of fear, intolerance, bigotry and superstition that we are mired in and find a way to go forward.  Recongize that while we have a foot in the past, we have an obligation to take a step forward into something that possibly is unknown to us now, but something that can be far more satisfying and beautiful and fulfilling to all of us.  Believers and non-believers, straight and gay, black, white, red, brown, etc., Republican, Democrats, Independants, Xboxers, PS2ers and Wii's.  Cats and dogs, too.  I'm really tired of listening to them fight. 

As always, thanks for your kind blah blah blah.