A silly answer to a silly question

So I was working at the bar last night, a painfully slow Tuesday night.  I hadn't had any customers for over an hour when finally three people, two men and a woman, walked in and sat down.  They were in the middle of a discussion, at first I couldn't tell what about, but it soon became clear they were discussing the moral state of America.  And not in glowing terms.  The woman was obsessing about teenagers going or gone wild, one of the guys kept trying to steer the discussion towards rotten politicians and the other guy just wanted to talk about Jesus.  'If Jesus were here today, what do you think He'd do first?'

No one asked me my opinion, of course.  Chances are I wouldn't have honestly answered.  I am after all a bartender (read: tip-whore), and if I told them my honest thoughts, they probably would have gotten up and left.  Without a tip.  So I just kept polishing glasses, thinking my thoughts and grinning an idiot's grin.

What I would have said, had they asked me;  "Well, I imagine the first thing Jesus would do if he were here today?  He'd hit the first all-you-can-eat buffet.  You ever read the Bible?  I'm surprised He managed to get any kind of message out at all, seeing as how often He was stuffing food into His mouth.  Good thing He walked a lot, otherwise the Romans would have had a hard time getting His ass up on that cross, and then the world would've had one less martyr.  So He probably would've bellied up at the nearest Golden Corral or Asian King and around mouthfuls I expect He would alternate between boosting the spirits of His fellow diners and haranguing them for being sinners and making them like mortal crap.  Then, when someone would probably say, 'Well, who the fuck are you to judge me?' He'd probably say something like, 'Well I'm Jesus.  Not just the Son of God, but God Himself!'  Then the cops would show up, pepper-spray Him and haul Him off to one of those wards typically situated on the East side of the hospital."

But no one ever wants to know what the bartender thinks.  Thank Heaven!  Kidding.  Godboy kept on talking about how Jesus would clean this place up, his buddy kept saying how Bachmann is going to clean this place up (in Jesus' name), and the lady kept talking about how somebody better figure out a way to get these goddam kids to stop fucking.  I just kept on making the glasses not so dusty, and after one stinking drink they grabbed their coats, threw some money down and walked out.

Their bill was fourteen bucks, they left me fifteen.  I thought to myself, Jesus Fucking Christ......